A list of things I might have said in my 2024 Contemporary Civilization Class. Compiled by Olivia L.
- Do doggies hang out like, hey buddy! You’re my friend; I’ll protect you.
- But when you go to sleep, I will murder you with a stick!
- You have a nice yard. Don’t go to sleep!
- I took your cow? What are you gonna do, go complain to the king? You’re not gonna do anything about it.
- This cow is mine because I have this nice piece of paper.
- Your teeth to you: “No, I’m free, don’t brush me!”
- Bad stuff happens in the woods, for real!
- To be clothed and robed by the luxurious Lululemon fabrics we have, that is the dominion.
- It’s not like I touched this acorn and now I love this acorn.
- You can’t go to war without warm underwear.
- Ah, but my great-grandfather picked those acorns really really well.
- Look at all of these foppish people with fancy clothes… return to nature, return to nature, return to the simple.
- “God gave me the 10 commandments.” Another guy: “God told me to worship the golden cow.”
- If the power goes out, my neighbors are going to come take my water.
- Amish, meat bros, hippies, very Rousseauian.
- Oh, we finished that last class? I mean, I’m not disappointed, but… what are the origins of inequality? I forgot.
- “Hey guys, what’s going on? What happened to freedom of the will, are you guys going to eat me?” – From the perspective of the fat ant who will be feasted on.
- What is the history of the species of beavers? I do not know.
- I belong to the society of New York nerds.
- We are combative sheep that eat each other. The special kind of angry sheep.
- I’ve evolved to eat this poisonous bark that nobody eats. I have no predators. I’m just going to chill here for a million years.
- During a discussion of Kant: “By the way, I think that’s someone’s wallet.” – Thank you. “That was my duty!”
- Do doggies dream about flying? I think so.
- Let’s have freedom, French revolution! Kkkkggght. Ok, never mind.
- I have no idea where I’m going; I may be stuck in a log or seeping into the ground.
- I am a historical person. I have glimpsed the course of history. AND IT IS THE LAW!
- Ah, I gotta spend another day on Brandon’s laptop to make sure he can do his homework!
- …putting it into a funky hat and going, ‘yeahh I’m a farmer!’
- Ten years ago: I live in a studio and I have nothing. Ten, twenty years later, I live in a three-bedroom apartment, and oh my god why do I have three dressers.
- Ok, let’s go old school. D&D. We’re moving things around. But then you have to be like, horse, horse, horse, pile of cash.
- Maybe you’re a computer scientist-economist-political-theorist.
- The table is friendly.
- “But uh, what is on for next week?” – Next week we have spring break. “Sweet.”
- Your refrigerator wants to call up your toaster and have a little chat.
- “So I’ve been working in aviation accident archives” – bridges hands together – “Mmmm.”
- We need you here, bro! You can’t go.
- The lazy river of Nietzsche.
- Oh, you want to go on spring break, but… grandma is old and… just for the family!
- “One of my favorite novels is called Cement, and it’s about cement factories.” – What happens in Cement? “They make cement, what do you think?”
- “What is a custom you feel you need to adhere to?” – Working in finance.
- Nobody told me to be honest when I was a child. Well, maybe only my parents.
- You assume that you have to come to class wearing pants. But you can come to class in a toga or a bathrobe.
- You know, the other day I realized that Americans are very huggy… when there’s Europeans trying to kiss you, you know, we’re just at work man.
- Nobody writes, Warmly, best, Bill. You don’t call your professor Mr. Dr. Professor Tenen.
- What about ritualistic murder? Are you into that?
- Your ego is telling you to either love your neighbor or sexually harass your neighbor.
- Elloh sehr. Can I please offerh you some candy?
- The authentic self? Be real, man.
- Sorry, I just came back, and uh, I’m trying to teach lit hum, oh, no, not lit hum.